So Long 2008

I can't believe how fast this year has flown by. It's been stressful, wild, crazy, disappointing, and blessed all at the same time. I don't make resolutions because I never keep them. I am going to make some promises to myself and try my best to uphold them.
* I will truly try to eat better, exercise, and lose weight.
* I will do everything my doctor asks in order to allow myself to get pregnant this year.
* I will be better organized at home like I am at work.
* I will study for and pass my CCRN exam.
* I will continue to remember every day that I am truly blessed.

Happy New Year to everyone!

Merry Christmas (a little late)

Nothing new to report here. I just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. I hope you had a great one where ever you may be!

Moving On

I (finally) remembered to call my OB and reschedule my appointment. I went to see him today. Lucky me, I am the picture of gynecologic health. But really, I do love my OB. He's fabulous. We chatted about my cycles (which are still totally jacked up) and where to go from here. He gave me the names of a few fertility specialists or Reproductive Endocrinologists, so now I just need to pick one and make an appointment. Based on reviews on my insurance website and the doctor's personal websites, I think I have chosen one. I probably won't see him until after the first of the year though as our insurance carrier is changing and it will just be easier that way.
I've also come to the conclusion (as if I didn't know this before...) that my body has no clue what it's doing. I just got off an almost 60 day cycle that ended 11/11 only to have a 23 day cycle this month. I have yet to be able to use my ovulation prediction monitor. Oh well... I'm sure I'll get to use it once we start on the Clomid!

I'm Thankful

It's been a rough almost 15 months since this whole "let's have a baby" journey began. My journey still isn't over, and in fact, it really hasn't started yet. However, despite my disappointments and set backs, I truly am thankful for a lot of things in my life.
I'm thankful for....
* My husband who is the most wonderful man and my best friend.
* My family who have been very supportive of everything in my life.
* My nephew, Aiden. They way he notices new things every day makes you realize that the small things in life are truly important.
* My niece, Emily. I truly believe that she will teach us all a valuable lesson.
* My friends who's support has been amazing and encouraging.

Happy Thanksgiving to all. I hope you have at least this many reasons to be thankful.

A Quick Congrats

Nothing new to report on my front. I'm on CD 12 now and finally (I think) quit spotting. I had a more substantial (well, more than the whole 2 days in Sept.) period this month of 4 days that were a little more period like and less spotting like. And then I spotted for about 5 days after that... I still haven't seen my OB yet. Work and life have been a little busy lately. I really need to call his office this week and reschedule the appointment that he had to cancel.

I did, however, want to say "congrats" to my friend, Lydia. She's pregnant after over a year of trying! Yay for her! I'm truly happy for her (with no green eyed monster in sight). I think it's because I know she's struggled too. It gives me hope.

Also, I wanted to post a picture of my niece, Emily. She's 6 weeks old today! Wow! I took this picture last week (at 5 weeks). Isn't she just perfect?!

Tagged

This is my response to Janette's challenge. You are supposed to post the 4th picture from the 4th album on your computer. Here ya go. It's a picture from my little brother's football game.

A Short Note to my Uterus

Dear Uterus (and Ovaries)
While I am thrilled that you finally decided to let me have a period on Wednesday after 60 days, why on earth did you wait so long?! I had pretty much written you off again, and then you do something right. You're still not getting with the program... I guess the mention of birth control scared you straight again.. for a little while. I'm still going to see a fertility specialist after I see the OB and I'm still going to do the Clomid. You just can't be trusted...

I've Decided

I've made a decision. I'm going to do another cycle of birth control starting this Sunday. A while back, when my OB originally wrote for the BCP, he told me I would most likely have to do 3 months in a row before a RE would start me on Clomid. Since I am most definitely not pregnant, I'm going to go ahead and get things rolling along. I still need to make my rescheduled appointment with my OB and get my referral to the RE, but from what I understand, it sometimes takes a while to get in to see the RE. This way, I'll be ahead of the game. I'm just so frustrated and annoyed with my body at this point. Sigh...

Change of Plans

Well, I survived the morning with my grandmother. And I didn't stab myself in the eye! However, my OB's office called around 12:30 to cancel my appointment for this afternoon. :P He was going to be out delivering babies this afternoon (of all things). I don't have my new work schedule, so I wasn't able to immediately reschedule. I'm hoping he can get me in pretty quickly so we don't drag this out.
Just an update, I'm on CD 49 now and still no signs of a cycle... sigh.

Tomorrow

I think I may just poke myself in the eye. It would be much more entertaining that what I have to deal with tomorrow. First, I have to take my grandmother to the doctor at 9am. I'm not usually aware that there is a 9am, let alone being up in time to be somewhere. Also, my GM (God Bless her) drives me batty. I love her, but she's kind of passive/aggressive and doesn't seem to think before she speaks sometimes. I'm only doing this as a favor to my mom, and she owes me big. After those fun festivities, I get to go do the oh so great annual visit with my OB/GYN. He's great and he's fast, but I don't enjoy getting my insides poked at. The only reason I'm looking forward to seeing him is so that I can get a referral to a specialist and hopefully get this pregnancy show on the road sometime before I'm 30.

Hmmmm....

Where to start? What to say? Well, first off, my niece's chromosomes came back positive for Down Syndrome. Everyone had some tears initially, but seem to be adjusting now. Miss Emily is eating well and gaining weight and that's good progress. I'm hoping that she'll just need a little more time that most kids, but won't have any major health issues. Please continue to pray for Emily and her mommy and daddy.
I did take a HPT on Saturday (10/25). It was negative (sigh... but I'm used to it by now). I'm now on CD 43 and still no signs of a cycle. I'm going to see my OB on 11/3 for my annual visit. I've decided that I'm ready for the referral to a Reproductive Endocrinologist and all that it entails. Bring on the Clomid!

Uncertainty

It seems that the last week or so has been filled with uncertainty. I'm now on CD 34 with no signs of a period. I'm still feeling strange with bouts of random nausea and food aversions. I'm also exhausted. I don't want to test because I don't want to be disappointed. I was discussing all this with a couple of girls at work (one of which has 2 kids). They are convinced that I am pregnant this month. I really want to test, but I really don't. I've decided that if my period doesn't show up by this next Saturday (CD 40) then I will test. Since my cycle has resumed, the longest was 38 days. I'm just going to try and enjoy my trip to Las Vegas with my husband and not worry about it.
The other uncertainty that I'm facing is related to my beautiful new niece. The pediatrician at the hospital had some suspicions that she might have Down Syndrome. It takes 2 weeks for the results to come back, so we should know something by a couple of days before Halloween. Please pray for my sister, her husband, and Emily. Being a nurse, I keep looking at her and analyzing every little thing. Mostly, I'm not convinced that she does have Down's, but every once it a while, I look at her just right and think "maybe". We, of course, won't love her any less. But it still won't be an easy road if the test comes back positive for Down's.

Blessed (Again)

Nothing new to report with me. It's still to early to tell about this month. I've been feeling kind of strange the last 5 or so days (tired, nausea in the evenings, and food I normally like turns me off completely). I'm trying not to let my mind work to much and my imagination run away with me. I just don't want to be disappointed again.

The reason I'm feeling so blessed, is because my sister had her baby on Sunday afternoon (10 days before her due date). Miss Emily Elizabeth was born at 2:42pm 10/12/08. She was 6lb 10oz and 20 inches long. Absolutely beautiful. I'm so proud of my little sister.

Things Change

And not always for the better. Just when I thought my body was finally going to cooperate (and it still might...) my hormones go wacky again. I last wrote on CD 33. On CD 34 I started what I guess what my period for the my current cycle. It was only 2 days and basically what you experience at the end of your period (dark, old looking, scant). I kept waiting for a "real" period, but no dice. So, I'm now on CD 14 and I spent too long waiting for a period this month, so now I can't use my fertility monitor. Also, it seems that my prolactin might be on the rise again. It's my own fault. I stopped taking my meds a couple of months ago because my cycles had returned and I was feeling better. So, I started taking them again over the weekend. I'm afraid it's back to square one... or so it seems.

Hurry Up Already!

So, I'm on CD 33 now. Still no period. I have, however, been spotting on and off for 2 days now. I keep thinking that the next time I go to the bathroom, my period will be here, but it's not. I'm getting anxious and wish my body would just hurry up and get on with it. I want to use my new fertility monitor and I can't do that until my cycle starts!
On a semi related note, my sister's shower on Saturday turned out well. Of the 19 guests invited, only 7 showed up. It was basically all family and my sister's best friend. I really get annoyed when people can't bother to RSVP. How long does it take to make a phone call and at least let someone know you won't be able to make it? It really only makes a difference in my planning if you can't be there. Oh well. She still got a lot of nice gifts as the people that would have bought the most were there anyway. I hope she enjoyed it.

Glutton for Punishment

I'm throwing my second baby shower in a 3 month time period on Saturday. I love the person I'm throwing it for (my sister) and regardless of my situation, I know I can do this for her. The shower I hosted in June was for my sister in law and it was a little harder as I still didn't have any answers then.
My cycle seems to be moving along. I'm on CD 26 now with no signs of a period yet. My last cycle was 38 days, so I expect more of the same this month. I'm just really ready to get on with it so that I can start using my fertility monitor next month.

Unrelated

I'm not going to talk about pregnancy or babies. On a completely unrelated note, I'm going to talk (just briefly) about work. I love my job and that hasn't changed. I recently applied for a supervisor position at work. Long and stressful interview process. The group of candidates was strong, but I originally thought I might have a shot. That was until one of the supervisors on the regular ICU side put her name into the running for the supervisor on the cardiac side. When that happened, I knew my shot was gone. She's a great person, but I figured that (fair or not) she was a shoe in because she was already a supervisor. And today, I found out I was right. I didn't get the job, and she did. What a bummer. Our manager said that she wanted to mentor me and get me ready to be a supervisor when the next position opens up. She was really excited when I applied and thinks I'll be great at it... one day.
Thanks for letting me ramble. I just needed to get it out...

4 Weeks Old!

My how time flies. This picture was taken over my shoulder last night of my newphew, Aiden. He's growing up so fast!

Purchase

When I last wrote, I mentioned that I had planned to buy some OPKs and get started using them like my OB/GYN suggested. I bought the Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor off of EBay today. It's "regular" price is $199.99 and I got a brand new one today for $105 with free shipping. It won't be here in time to use this cycle as you are supposed to start on CD (cycle day) 5 or sooner and I'm already on CD 11. My cycle was 38 days this time which isn't too bad in the grand scheme of things I guess. I'm due to see my OB again at the end of October or first of November for my annual visit, so I think I'll just use my new monitor for a few cycles and see if I'm actually ovulating now that I'm cycling. If not, I'll go ahead and see about getting my referral to a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). No sense in rushing to see a new doc when I've been going at this almost a year already. It's hard to imagine that had this been easy for me, I would probably have a baby now. Kind of bittersweet in a way. Oh well, I'm sure my day will come. I'll just be that much more in love with my child when God decides it's my turn.

Surprised

This past Thursday, a surprising thing happened. I actually started a period (on my own, unmedicated). This is only my 3rd cycle in 11 months and the 1st cycle that wasn't induced by medication. Apparently, the round of BCP that I did might have actually jump started my body and made it remember what it was supposed to do. Now we just have to see if I'm actually ovulating. I'm going to buy some of those OPKs (ovulation prediction kits) and use them like my OB/GYN recommended before all this mess started. Maybe now that it seems like my body might actually work, I will finally be able to get pregnant. We just have to wait and see...

Torture

So, this weekend I went to Houston for my niece's 6th birthday party. Almost 50% of the adults (friends of my sister in law) at her party were pregnant or had new babies. I've been doing so well with my other sister in law's pregnancy and birth of my nephew and the pregnancy of my sister. But, I almost lost it. I felt that green eyed monster just dying to come out. Luckily, I have pretty good self control. The worst part of it is, I'm having these crazy "symptoms". My boobs HURT. Like, if I accidentally brush them with a bag or purse, I just want to cringe. And now, I'm peeing constantly (like every 2-3 hrs). I feel fine otherwise. I'm sure it's just my mind playing tricks again, but I felt these symptoms before I even went to Houston and saw all these pregnant people. I know in my heart that I'm not pregnant, but my brain can't be convinced not to test. Ugh... I wish this wasn't so hard.

Slacking

Wow... I can't believe I let a month go by without updating. Bad blogging on my part. However, I'm not really sure if anyone reads this, so I guess it doesn't matter too much.

Let's see... what's been going on? Well, I started a period on 7/7 (thanks to the BCP). It was the heaviest, worst period in my life. I'm talking bleeding straight through a super tampon in 3 hours heavy (sorry... TMI). Luckily, it was only that heavy for about 2 days. Now, it's back to the waiting game. I'm really hoping that this is the jump start my body needs to do things on it's own. I may be on the right track, though, as I had a little bit of spotting for a couple of days around cycle day 15. I'm now on cycle day 23 with no spotting. I really wanted to chart my cycles using FAM (Fertility Awareness Method), but with my sleep/work schedule, I can't take my temp and expect it to be accurate. All I can do is monitor CM (cervical mucous) at this point.

I did learn something interesting this past weekend though. I had lunch with some friends from high school. As it turns out, both of them struggled a bit to get pregnant, and I have another friend from high school who has been trying as long as we have. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Now that I have reconnected with these wonderful girls, I have someone who has been there to talk with.

The only other thing going on didn't actually happen directly to me. I just benefit from it. On Sunday 7/27 at 11:00am my sister-in-law delivered a beautiful baby boy. Aiden Wade (see picture above) was 8lbs 9oz and 20 inches long. He's absolutely beautiful and I'm completely in love with him. I have a niece and nephew from my husband's brother and his wife already. While they are also beautiful and wonderful, they just live too far away (Houston) and I don't get to see them often. This little one just lives about 20 minutes away. I'm so excited to be a part of his life and watch him grow up. Now I just need to get him a cousin to grow up with!

Spotting

Yes... you read that right. I'm about half way through my BCP pack and I started spotting last night. Just a little light pink with some occasional darker pink streaks on the tp. This is the first attempt my body has made at a cycle since last September! I can't believe I'm excited about this, but I am. Maybe I'll actually have a "real" cycle in about 10 days when I'm done with this pack.

Yuck

That's how I feel. I started taking my Yaz again on Thursday night. I never realized how bad BCP made me feel before. Since I took them for almost 9 years, I guess I just got used to the feeling. Now that I have been extra hormone free for 9 months, starting back up has not been fun. I'll be glad when I can get back off them. I have been nauseated and just run down. I think the only good thing that could come from this is that maybe my face will clear back up. Even before BCP, I was not a "zitty" teenager. Then on BCP they were even fewer and further between. I have not enjoyed breaking out to say the least. I'm just going to count down the days until I'm finished with this pack. Only 20 more days (Yaz is a 24 day pack of active pills) and counting....

Frustrated

I went to see my OB/GYN today. I've been taking my Dostinex for 11 weeks now and still no period. We had a nice little talk and I'm going to start back on birth control. I know that sounds very counter productive, but he said we need to see if "the system" is working correctly. Basically, he wants to make sure my body is actually capable of having a cycle (but he's sure it is). I had regular cycles when I was on the pill previously. When I stopped taking it, I vowed I would never take it again. And now, here I am. He told me that I would probably eventually need to see a RE and maybe even have my hubby have some testing as well. He said that most REs start women on the pill for about 3 months before they get ready to start Clomid (a medication to induce ovulation). Clomid will probably be my next step. He actually said the "IF" (infertility) word today.
I feel like my body has betrayed me in a way. Women are born to have babies, and I can't seem to do it. I am surrounded by these "super fertile" people who have gotten pregnant while on the pill, and I can't seem to get pregnant with no birth control what so ever. I guess I should try to stay positive. Maybe this will be just the kick start my body needs. At this point all I can do is hope...

The Basics

I always thought that when we were ready to start a family, it would be easy. You stop taking birth control, you have sex, you get pregnant, right? Yeah... not so much.


I've been ready to be a mom for a long time. My husband took a little longer to get to that point. He always said "we" weren't ready. So this past August (2007) we were having one of our many "when we have kids" conversations. He said something, and I replied with "well we don't have kids yet". He then said "well get crackin' then!" I stopped taking my pill about 2 weeks later. I had a withdrawal cycle on 9/10/07 and expected that my body would just pick up where it left off before I started taking the pill almost 8 years ago. When I didn't start a period about a month later, I was excited! I thought it had happened the first month! How great would that be? I took a pregnancy test (or 2) and it was negative. Bummer. So I just figured my body was a little slow in getting things running again.

Fast forward to October... still no period. I was getting a little concerned, but I was due to see my OB/GYN for my annual visit, so I figured I would just bring it up then. I saw my OB on Halloween. He too, thought that my body just needed a jump start. He gave me Provera (progesterone) 20mg a day for 10 days. He said that should cause me to cycle and to expect it to be heavy and probably painful. So, I dutifully took my medication and waited, and waited, and waited. 3 weeks after finishing up my medication... still no period. I called my OB/GYN and went to see him again. He thought that maybe the dose wasn't high enough (even though it was a fairly high starting dose). So we went on to 30mg of Provera daily for 10 days. Again, no luck. At that point it was on to blood work. We also discussed possibilities of PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome) which we both thought was the case.

My blood work was done at the beginning of December. The FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) to LH (lutenizing hormone) ratio didn't immediately indicate PCOS and my other labs were within normal limits with the exception of my Prolactin. Normal levels for Prolactin are less than 25. Mine was 109! My doctor wanted to repeat the level just to make sure, as Prolactin can become falsely elevated by foods, exercise, and nipple stimulation. I had strict instructions on what do avoid and to come back and have my level re-drawn in 3 days. The repeat level came back just as high. I went home and did some research about elevated Prolactin levels. It all made sense. I had all those symptoms! So, my OB referred me to an Endocrinologist to manage my problem.

My Endocrinologist annoyed me from the start. I'm not a small girl, and I'm fully aware of this. When someone attacks my weight within 5 minutes of meeting me, I don't exactly put them at the top of my list. However, I figured I would give him a chance. He ordered more blood work and a MRI. Most of the time, elevation of Prolactin is caused by a benign pituitary tumor.

I finally got my MRI and blood work done in early March. The MRI did show a microadenoma on my pituitary gland. All my blood work was what we were expecting. So, at the end of March I was started on Dostinex. I take 1/2 tablet twice a week. Not too hard. However, all this time I still haven't had a period!

In the middle of April, I went back to see my Endo for a routine visit. He thought we should check my Prolactin level even though I had only been on my meds for 3 weeks. Needless to say, I was a bit skeptical. As it turns out, my body really liked the meds. My prolactin level came down to 9! As a result, the decision was made not to increase my dose since I was responding so well at the current dose. I fully expected to see a period for the first time in almost 8 months within a few weeks. The hubby and I were planning a vacation to Vegas at the very end of April and I figured that with my luck, my period would show up then. But... it didn't.
Now, I don't know about the general population, but my sex life tends to improve on vacation. I was hopeful that maybe I would just get pregnant and not even have a period. So, around the middle of May, when my period still hadn't shown up, I decided to take yet another pregnancy test (or 2 or 3). Again... negative. Sigh...
I'm starting to get very discouraged by this point. I'm pretty sure there is something else going on with me. I'm now 11 weeks into my Dostinex and almost 9 months without a period. I finally decided to go ahead and call my OB today to see what he thinks. I would really like to go ahead and see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) as my current endo is not concerned with helping me get pregnant. A RE is not a doctor you just want to pick off your insurance list. My OB's nurse called me back pretty quickly today and said I should probably make an appointment to see him and we'll go from there.
I'm really hoping we can get something figured out.

An Introduction

In case anyone who doesn't know me actually reads this; I guess I should introduce myself. I am 27 years old and am married to a wonderful man. We've been together since high school and our 3 year wedding anniversary is coming up in just over a month. We have our own little house and 2 dogs named Abbey and Jack. I'm a nurse in a Pediatric ICU (Congenital Heart Surgery Unit) nearby and my husband is a supervisor at UPS. We're finally ready to start a family, but have run in to a road block of sorts on my end.

Starting Up

I've never been one to write in a journal or diary. And for some reason, the thought of having my ramblings read by complete strangers doesn't seem to bother me. I'm not really sure that anyone will want to read what I have to say, but I seem to need an outlet for my thoughts and feelings.